March, 2017

Two Phrases That Destroyed American Culture

Every time I promise myself that I will work on controlling my temper, I always end up making a scene. This time, it wasn’t my fault. All I wanted was a bagel. A bagel, a cup of coffee, and perhaps a spot near a window where I could idly watch the traffic go by as I browsed through the newspaper and licked cream cheese from my fingers. But apparently the Gods were not on my side. Today I got in line behind a middle aged woman in a fur coat who was barking orders at the poor bagel girl like […]

How To Be A Girl Bully

When I was in elementary school, I was a bit of a tom boy. I spent every recess ignoring the gaggle of girls gathered by the monkey bars in favor of a sweaty game of soccer with the boys. To me, boys were superior because boys were simple and easy to understand. To win the respect of a boy, you simply had to run just as fast, throw just as far, and punch just as hard as they did. With girls, it was a different story. Girl World is full of subtle manipulations, vague power struggles, and intense mental warfare. […]

Diary of a Teenage Runaway

I’m standing in the middle of my cheap, already furnished, efficiency apartment that sits on a busy street just a few miles from the ocean. There’s a cop standing in front of me. He’s got broad shoulders, dark hair and a face that looks like it’s made of play-doh. Tears are streaming down my face, my cheeks are red and swollen, and snot is dripping from my nostrils…I have never been a pretty crier. My knees are shaking like those of a newborn colt. My eyes dart around the room, nervously flitting back and forth from door to the window. […]

How Not To Be a Fat Fuck

Anyone who suggests that I absolve people of personal responsibility in losing weight hasn’t been reading my site long enough. Look, I know it’s possible to lose weight without a lot of money. I know you could theoretically live on whole grain rice and bean sprouts that you grew in your garden on the weekends after spending your work week walking in the door at 6pm and preparing an entire meal from scratch after which you’ll walk around the block one hundred times to avoid the cost of expensive running shoes only to come back home to prepare your lunch for […]

Have You Ever Had a Friend Urinate in Your Bed? I Have.

When I was in college, Erica Lynn was one of my best girlfriends. Erica Lynn was a fun girl and we often went bar hopping together. Sometimes, when she got sloppy drunk, she’d lose control of her bladder and pee her pants. Because she was so hilarious and outgoing, everyone ignored this little aspect of her personality. My friends and I figured if she kept it up after we graduated, we’d have an intervention or something. But as for right now, we were in college. When else are you supposed to get sloppy drunk to the point where you pee […]

I’m Sick Of Political Correctness

I’m sick of political correctness. I’m sick of wondering if the term African American is the only one available to me or is it ok to call someone a ‘black guy.’ I’m sick of covertly wording a sentence to describe someone only to leave out their color because I’m not sure how to do it non-racist-ly. I’m sick of avoiding conversations about race relations because an overheard repeated insult might just earn me an ass whooping. Sure, I could dart my eyes around and breathlessly whisper, “Then he said the N-word!” But seriously, now! The N-word? Are we fucking children […]

Don’t Treat Your Employers Better Than They Treat You

Exactly one year after working at the Worst Job I Ever Had, I took my one week paid vacation. I hated that job so much I couldn’t even wait a couple of days to plan a trip. I snatched at the vacation time the millisecond it was offered to me and I intended to spend the week lounging around my apartment doing anything but going there. On Saturday, I woke up and thought: 9 days before I have to go back there. On Sunday, I thought: 8 days before I have to go back. Monday through the following Saturday went […]

Formula For Calculating the Profitability of a Rental Property

Someone asked me what my formula is when calculating the profitability of a rental property, so I thought I’d post it. But before I do that, I just want to take a minute to disclaim that there are multiple formulas you can use effectively. And honestly? It’s probably best if you figure out your own. Different areas require different expenses and all that jazz. The very first thing you should do before buying a rental property is visit other rental properties in your area to determine what the competition typically charges for rent. To do this, I’ll usually pose as […]

Crazy Woman Stabs Tire; Results Not as Planned

Last night, at around midnight, I decided to go to the bank. This is not unusual for me considering I have multiple bank accounts for multiple purposes. If I had my druthers, I’d keep all my money in one master account, but my accountant strenuously insists that I remain somewhat organized. Since I pay him good money for advice, I grudgingly follow it. Unfortunately this usually means I cannot visit an ATM machine without a gang bang-esque line forming behind me as I fumble around completing a long list of transactions. To circumvent this, I usually wait to stealthily visit […]

Marriage is a Series of Peaks and Valleys

I went hiking today and on my way home, I decided to stop by a gas station and grab myself a bottle of diet pepsi. In the middle of the afternoon, during the week, is typically a very slow time for a gas station and today was no exception. When I walked in, the gas station attendant was apparently so aimless that she had time to get into a very involved conversation with the only other customer in the store. The women were both very animatedly discussing marriage. The customer kept interrupting the attendant to insist that ‘she didn’t need […]