Hi Tucker Fans!

October 18th, 2006.

My name is Tucker Max, and I am completely full of shit.

I get excessively drunk so often that I have far surpassed the realm of normal college debauchery and entered the realm of ‘officially has a problem with alcoholism.’ I disregard social norms by wearing really ‘out there’ clothing like white T-shirts. I mock idiots and posers while simultaneously referring to the fact that I just barely made it onto the New York Times Bestseller list almost constantly and acting shocked when people don’t swoon over this even though it’s likely that Stephen King’s grocery list would outsell all of my books put together. I sleep with a lot of young, clueless chicks that I meet on the Internet in a sad pathetic attempt to avoid establishing any real connection with anyone because, let’s face it, I have Daddy issues. Big time. In my spare time, I lament my chronic loneliness and empty existence. But all this makes me cool. Seriously.

Ok, so none of that makes me cool. What makes me cool is all these totally awesome stories that I made up. Um, I mean all these totally real stories that I did not make up because they’re all totally real. Here, how about I tell you a story right now? Just to prove that I’m for real and not a blatant liar.

Tucker Max Fucks a Tranny; hilarity ensues.

You see, I have fucked so many girls that it’s hard for me to get excited about sex. Like, seriously, I have had so much empty sex so many times that I can’t even count. In fact, I am so goddamn bored with sex that in order for me to get the flag at more than half mast nowadays (If you know what I mean, and I think you do), I have to sex with some kind of an oddity like a Midget or an Amputee or a weird pinched face horse looking girl who demands that I call her ‘girlfriend.’ Well since I fucked all of that, I decided to head into uncharted territory. I decided to fuck a tranny.It went down like this:

So my friend calls me up and says this:

DrunkRex: Hey man, I was just about to fuck this tranny, but I noticed she had herpes so I opted out. But I figured since you already had herpes, you wouldn’t mind. You in?

Tucker: Fuck you.

DrunkRex: No way, man. I’m totally serious. She’s already been paid and everything.

Tucker: Did you tell her that I’m a New York Times Best Selling Author?

DrunkRex: Sure did. And she was like, really impressed. Like really.

Tucker: I hate you.

DrunkRex: Listen, are you going to fuck this tranny or not?

Tucker: In a minute. First I have to fill the rest of this page with more pointless, uninteresting dialogue. Makes the story look longer.

DrunkRex: …

Tucker: … 

DrunkRex: You done yet?

Tucker: Yeah, man, I’m on my way.

So I hopped into a cab and headed to a sleazy cockroach ridden motel where my TrannyPrincess waited for me. This was going to be so cool! But then I started feeling something that I totally normally don’t feel: Nervousness. I mean, is this what it’s like being a normal guy and not a New York Times Bestselling Author? Because this sucks. I don’t know how all you mere mortal beta type guys handle it. I had to chant to myself ‘I am not a failure, I am not a failure, no matter what my parents think, I am not a failure’ for a full 5 minutes before I got the sack to walk up to the room. But once I got inside, it was all good.

My TrannyPrincess was totally hot and totally wasted. Like, seriously, she was passed out on the bed and DrunkRex had to nudge her awake.

DrunkRex: Hey Isabella, wake up. This is Tucker.

TrannyPrincess: Ump? Er….ugh….oh Hi.

DrunkRex: *whispering* Seriously, bitch, I just paid you $50. Act like you’re totally impressed to be meeting him.

TrannyPrincess: Habba? Ooo….ugh. Hi Tucker, I am totally impressed to be meeting you…like I’ve seen all your….stuff? You know, that stuff that made you super duper famous?

DrunkRex: *whispering* Books, you dumb slut, BOOKS!

TrannyPrincess: Books! I totally read everything you write. Seriously, you’re my favorite. *aside to DrunkRex* Is his voice usually that girly sounding?

Tucker: … 

DrunkRex: … 

TrannyPrincess: …

DrunkRex: Tucker?

Tucker: Dude, man, I have to make it to 3 pages.

DrunkRex: Jesus Christ.

So here’s what’s up, fucking a Tranny was shockingly disappointing. It’s kinda like fucking TheBunny when she’s wearing that strap-on thingy that she has. Except the Tranny didn’t run to the bathroom and cry for about two hours afterward.

When I was done (Which was really quick, according to the rumors), me, DrunkRex, and the TrannyPrincess all played ‘I never’ and I had a total blast even though I’m middle aged and I should really be done with this college frat party bullshit. I passed out drunk and woke up in a bathtub full of freezing cold water. And my kidney was gone! Dude, can you believe it? My TrannyPrincess totally stole my kidney so she could sell it on the black market! Seriously, this story is 100% true. It was the absolute weirdest thing that has ever happened to me in my whole crazy life.

Oh, did I mention that I’m a New York Times Best Selling Author?

I did?

Oh well. Aren’t you, like, totally impressed?

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