How to Amaze Your Friends and Family With Your Eerily Accurate Psychic Readings

February 5th, 2007.

I have managed to convince a lot of people in my day-to-day life that I am psychic. Keep in mind that I possess no actual supernatural powers and my dead Grandmother has never visited me beyond her grave. I am merely a perceptive person. However, I have learned that the gift of perception mixed with a dash of flair is all you really need to be considered clairvoyant.

Don’t believe me? Well, keep reading and I will teach you how to interpret tarot cards, palms and even magical spooky rocks with an accuracy that will stun your friends, amaze your family and even win you a job as a sidewalk psychic.

*Quick Tip: Always keep the tools of your trade wrapped in a piece of silk. Tell people that you do this to keep the negative energy out. Also, before you begin a reading, ask for a towel to put your things on. Insist you need this because your things are much too precious and magical to touch the table. If they do, table spirits can interfere with the reading. This is very important. After all, if things go wrong, you’ll need a scapegoat. Blaming things on the table spirits works every time.

How to Read Tarot Cards

Deal a random number of cards onto the table face down. While you’re doing this, tell your Mark some bullshit story about how each card represents an Indian God that the Inka tribe used to worship back in 1782. Whatever strikes your fancy.

Now, flip over each card and use the information you already know about your Mark to predict their future actions. For example, say something like:

“Here we have the One of Pentacles. This is you. The reason you only have one coin in this picture is because you are dead broke. Notice that you are wearing shoes in this picture? This is because you blow all your money on shoes. Until you beat your insidious shoe obsession, you will always be broke.”

Refrain from giggling at the shocked expression on your Mark’s face.

How to Read Spooky Magical Stones

The methods used here are very similar to the methods you use when reading tarot cards in that you simply take the information you already know about your Mark and use it to predict their future behavior. However, to really drive this performance home you should utilize one of those creepy ghost voices.

Toss the rocks on the table and say something like:

“You are obessssssssssed with your ex booooyyyyfriend. He does not loooooovvvee you. Because you will nooooottt believe it, you will start stalking him. Eventually, you will become soooooooo depressed that you will goooooo to the bar and pick up some strange guy. After that night, you will develop an Ssssssss Teeeeee Deeeeeee….”

Easy, huh?

‘But V!’ you ask, ‘How am I supposed to do readings for total strangers? I can’t use information that I already know about them if I’ve never met them!’

False, my future clairvoyants, false. If you run into a situation where you’ve never met your Mark, all you have to do is read their label. People love to label themselves and they will constantly attempt to communicate to you who they are through their appearance. Pay close attention to your Mark’s clothes. Notice how they wear their hair. Take note of that stupid keychain with the picture of the goofy kid holding a football. When they sit down, do they cross their legs primly and properly? Or do they spread them wide almost as an invitation? All these factors should produce a label. Hell, even someone completely nondescript is labeling themselves an ‘average joe.’ Use this label to your advantage.

For example, a woman sits in front of you. Her hair is dyed black and she has gone heavy on the eye make-up. She has got more than 3 facial piercings and a tattoo of miniature crows around her wrist. She is clad almost completely in black and she is carrying around a mid-sized notepad.

Label: Little Miss Ignored and Emo.

Your Reading:

“Your father molested youuuuuuuu. Nooooowww you sleep with multiple men because it’s the only way you know how to shooooowwww affection. You try to show your one night stands your crappy poetry, but no one wants to read your crappy poooooeeeetrrryyyyyy.”

Get it?

Ok, let’s try another. A man, currently utilizing more hair product than you, sits in front of you. His fingernails are meticulously trimmed. He is wearing a pink polo shirt. There is 3 feet of snow outside, yet this guy has a terrific tan. He carefully crosses his legs like a girl.

Label: Gay Guy in the Closet

Your Reading:

“You have secret desires. Yoouuuuu have buried your secret desires deeeeeeepppp inside of you to hide them from your parents. You willllll hide forever unless you can figure out a waaaayyyy to become more wealthy than your brothers or sisterssssss. Your parents will not fuck up their one chance at decent nursing home no matter hooooowwww much dick you suuuucccckkkkk.”

The most important thing to remember is to keep your cool if you make a mistake. Goth chick tells you that it was actually her STEP father that molested her? Gay guy informs you that he is an only child? In that case, the towel they brought you was too thin. It’s obvious that the table spirits fucked up your reading.

How to Read Palms

Begin by massaging your Mark’s palm until they are nice and relaxed. Point to a few squiggles on their hand and tell them that this means they will have a long life and eventually get married. After that, you will have gained their confidence and they will believe everything you say.

A sample reading:

“See these little lines right here? Those symbolize your wealth. And all these little squiggles around that line are your angry friends who know about your wealth and wonder why you never treat them to lunch. And this little lump right here? It says you like playing the guitar. But the lump is really small, see, so that means you suck at playing guitar. Personally, I think you play the guitar really well, so I don’t really understand why your hand would say you sucked. But I just read what I see, so I can’t really explain it. Whoa! Do you feel that right there? Your hand says you have absolutely zero affinity towards the guitar! In fact, it says if you keep playing the guitar your genitals will turn black and fall off! Squiggles like this are really rare. You might want to heed this warning. Also, take your friends out to eat one night and buy them a drink, you cheap bastard.”

The great thing about palm readings is that you only have to do them once because palms never change.

How to Use and Ouija Board

Now that you’re a bonafide psychic, you will occasionally run into issues where people bring Ouija boards over to your house to play with when all you wanted to do was watch a fucking movie. Situations like these are surprisingly easy to handle.

Dim the lights. Light some candles. Act like you’re a little scared. When you put you fingers on the marker thingy, start off by making it jerk erratically. Let your friend ask it a few questions like what its name is and so on. If your friend’s name is Katie, spell out the phrase:

‘Katie is trying to kill you. Beware of Katie!’

Jump away from the Ouija board like you’re really scared. Pace around your house for a minute or two. Tell your friend Katie that you’re really sorry, but she has to leave right now. Reassure her that you don’t really believe that she’s trying to kill you, but you’re still a little freaked out. Tell her that you’ll feel better in the morning, but she still needs to leave right now.

When Katie leaves, pick up the phone and call a friend who isn’t a fucking moron.

I hope you’ve all learned something from this. Mainly that anyone who believes this tripe is a gullible fucking idiot. But keep in mind that gullible fucking idiots usually pay well, so happy hunting!

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