Will I Write a Book? (And Other Questions Asked Via Email)

May 4th, 2007.

Since I’ve started this site, I’ve had a few agents contact me about the possibility of writing a book. I’ll admit I was a little curious and asked a few questions, but ultimately, I decided it isn’t for me. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First of all, you guys have been reading my website for free for a little over six months now. It seems like it would be kind of smarmy of me to suddenly suggest that the stupid shit bouncing around in my head is worth money. A few months of Internet notoriety are not enough to convince me that my “brilliance” should only be available to the masses after they pay $19.95 and I strongly suspect that no matter how much my traffic increases, I’d feel the same way. The writing on this site isn’t worth paying for and even if you’d be willing to buy it, I’m not going to sell you garbage.

On top of that, writing a book seems to be a lot of work for very little reward. Books written by web writers tend not to sell very well and the advances they normally receive are laughable. I am not so desperate for money that I need to sell my dignity for $10 grand or $20 grand or whatever. I realize there are a lot of hardworking middle class people out there who would be willing to bust their ass for 6 months or more for that kind of money, but I’m not one of them. In my world, the time I put into working on something has to be significantly more rewarding than that.

This is not to say that I can’t be bought. I’d absolutely humiliate myself publicly by writing and publishing the worst book to have ever been printed on paper…..for the right price. However, the advances generally offered to web writers don’t even scrape the surface of the ‘the right price’ for me. Should they ever increase, you can expect me to sell out so quickly and completely that you’ll seriously wonder if I’m an Ex-member of the New Kids on the Block. But until that magical day comes, you’ll have access to my shit for free.

Another thing people tend to bust my chops about via email is the ads on my site. It is widely believed that I’m living fast and loose on my Internet money, but the reality is, I haven’t even opened most of the checks. I suspect there are people who read my site who strongly believe they are buying me a latte or paying my mortgage every time they visit. While many people are paying my mortgage right now, I’m pretty sure not a single one of them reads my site.

After I started my site, I envisioned holding a contest of sorts. I’m not going to go into too much detail (I want it to be a surprise), but let’s just say I wanted to give a significant financial reward to the person who wins this contest. Originally, I had planned to use my Fuck You Money as the reward. My husband vetoed that idea straight away and we decided that my contest would have to be funded a different way. Hence, the ads. So while some of you may bitch now, I’m hoping you’ll change your tune when you realize that the majority of the profits from this site could very well end up directly in your hands. I know, I know, you’ll believe it when you see it. So I’m going to shut up until I’m ready to put up.

The last question I get via email that hasn’t been answered by my FAQ is from people who are interested in buying an ads on my site, but aren’t really sure what kind of traffic I’m getting. My traffic has increased every month since I’ve started, but currently, I’m pulling in about 350,000 page views a month. (Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with adbrite…they fuck my shit up every other day) However, how this translates into clicks for you really seems to depend on how you word your ad. I’ve seen people get a few hundred clicks a day and I’ve seen people only get 10 hits a day. Generally, I’ve noticed that the blogs I advertise for have gotten some regular readers out of the deal. On top of that, my ads are cheap. Real cheap. I’ve seen people with half the traffic of me charge 5 times what I charge. When adbrite started automatically knocking up the prices, I actually went in and manually lowered them. I’m such a giver!

With that said, I’m not interested in working out a deal with anyone where their ad is permanently displayed on certain pages of mine for a flat price. I’ve been asked this quite a few times, but I’m simply not interested in any deal that requires me emailing you back. I’m a weird breed of giver….the kind that doesn’t mind giving as long as it doesn’t take too much effort.

Now that I’ve taken time out of my day to answer these questions, I would sincerely appreciate it if the people who asked these questions didn’t start plastering my email address all over the goddamn Internet. I have very little hope of this, of course, and fully expect to find 10,000,000 pieces of spam in my inbox within the hour after I’m put on every ridiculous mailing list that has ever existed. No good deed goes unpunished and all that jazz.

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