I’m Bringing Slavery Back

October 28th, 2006.

American culture as we know it is in the middle of an economic and social crisis. There is a war in Iraq, the jails are full of negroes, the streets are brimming with homeless people, liberals are legally allowed to exist and most other countries despise us. However, most (if not all) of these issues could be put to rest with the re-legalization of slavery.

Currently there are approximately two million homeless people clogging up our gutters,  three million ex cons about to be paroled from prison, five million fat stay at home mom’s, eight million illegal immigrants, and a whooping seventy million children who all have one very important thing in common. They all need a steady job.

Why not slavery?

Every American family can benefit from slave ownership. Your new slave can clean your house, cook your meals, and program new songs into your IPOD. I’ve also heard that they are good at picking cotton, tending to the animals and sitting in circles around campfires while they sing ‘Kumbaya.’ If you have a shed with a dirt floor and edible scraps of food to spare, then the possibilities are endless. Slave ownership should be considered the new American dream.

The best part is that you give the homeless a chance to feel valued while simultaneously stimulating their natural work ethic. According to recent scientific studies, the homeless are some of the hardest working people in history. And nine out of ten homeless people agree that they’d feel “accomplished, happy, and successful” if only someone would make them a slave.

Slavery would cut down on the amount of people in prison, too. Did you know that slavery cures pedophilia? Here is a graph showing how the crime rate would reduce and homelessness would nearly disappear if slavery was reintroduced back into American culture:

Slavery would also vastly improve the economy. There would be no need to ship jobs overseas if we had perfectly good slaves to do the grunt work here. And we’d get a lot more done, too. Slaves excel in working long hours, 7 days a week, with nothing but a bag of beef jerky to sustain them. Just think of all the things we could proudly stamp ‘Made in America!’ That sticker alone would inspire pride in every American. Here is a graph showing what slaves could do for the economy if given the chance:

US. Economy


Lest you think that the many scientific studies that went into this essay are biased, I am going to include an interview with a real, live slave.

V: What’s your name, boy?

Slave: Er….Howard Johnson.

V: *cocks gun* No! What’s your real name, boy!?

Slave: *gulps* Kunta?

V: That’s right. Now Kunta, what’s it like being a slave?

Slave: Well actually, the working conditions….

V: In slave talk, please. *pats gun*

Slave: Sorry massa! I’s meant to say that I’s really likin’ bein’ a slave. I’s really feel good when my massa gives me sumpin’ to do!

V: Very good, Kunta. You can go back to your field now.

What did I tell you? By now, you’re all probably wondering the same thing. What should I look for when choosing a slave of my own? Well, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give you a short list of things to consider when choosing a slave. Namely, who makes the best slave? Let’s break it down:

Black People
These long limbed, well muscled people are natural work horses and are naturally acclimated to field work. If you are a farmer or a factory owner you’d be doing your business a favor by owning as many of these as you can get your hands on. They can toil in the fields during high noon and you won’t ever have to worry about providing them with sunscreen. Furthermore, they rarely need to bathe considering that their skin tone hides most dirt and debris.

Best suited as housekeepers and general handymen, Hispanics rarely ever ‘miss a spot.’ The downside is that they tend to eat a lot and demand Tabasco with every meal. The upside is that they cook a lot, so taco’s for everyone!

Built in babysitters! They are most skilled at instilling a false sense of entitlement into small children at a young age. If you desire a son who will grow up a real bastard to take over the family business, buy a couple of women to raise him.

The poor man’s slave. Children can do anything blacks and Hispanics can do, just not as well and not for as long. If you’re just starting out in slave ownership, buy a couple of these. The upside is that they can fit into a lot of tight spaces. And if you get them young enough, you can train them to be mini assassins. Your enemies will never suspect a 9 year old with a vial of poison and a scythe strapped to his thigh.

Now that you’ve done your homework, you are prepared to go pick out and purchase slaves of your very own. But whether you just want a slave to help around the house, or a team of slaves to run your business, please adhere to all forms of slave ownership etiquette. Never beat them in public to avoid blood splattering on any non slaves. Never educate your slaves; it’s insulting to the children of non slaves if your slave is smarter than they are. And never rape your slave on Sundays. God wouldn’t like it. Amen.


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