Fucking Magazine Salesman

June 28th, 2007.

I had a long night last night, so I slept in late. Around 9am, I finally roused, but not of my own volition. What had actually woken me from my slumber was a very persistent knock at my door.

Bleary eyed, I wrapped myself in a robe and stumbled towards my front door. Almost immediately, I was assaulted by an overly cheerful young gentleman who asked me if my parents were home.

Obviously, he was one of those salesmen who foolishly believe if they pretend I look young, I will be flattered enough to buy whatever piece of junk they’re pushing. Humorlessly, I shook my head.

He persisted with the charade and asked, “Well is there anyone over the age of 18 available to talk to?”

Apparently, I look like a 16 year old girl now. Not only that, but I look like a 16 year old girl so desperately in need of complimenting that I’d be willing to buy tons of ridiculous shit should a handsome guy give me a wink! I’m a stupid, insecure whore who wants nothing more than to relive my glory years! Please sign me up for whatever you’re selling! Please!

I tiredly raised my hand and he gave me a charming, apologetic smile.

“In that case, can I just have a moment of your time?” he asked.

“Actually,” I yawned, “Could you come back in a couple of hours? I was sleeping when you knocked and I really want to go back to bed.”

“I’ll make it quick,” he insisted.

Then, he launched into a spiel before I could say another word. I leaned up against my door frame and zoned out during the majority of it. Finally, he thrust a little pamphlet into my hands and prompted me to sign up to receive my choice of magazine.

Truthfully, I said, “Actually, I wouldn’t mind receiving this home improvement magazine. But, as I told you, you woke me up and I’m tired. Had you came back like I had requested, I would have bought it. But since you rudely proceeded with your sales pitch, I’m going to pass.”

Then, I slammed the door in his face.

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