Just Say ‘NO’ to Bastard Children

January 25th, 2008.

During breakfast yesterday, my Husband asked me a question.

“Hey, do you remember that project I was involved in last year?”

“Vaguely.”

“Remember Brian? He was working on it with me. You met him once.”

“I think so.”

“Well, he just got married. He wants to know if we want to do anything with them. You know, as couples.”

“How many kids do they have?”

“None.”

“None? Is she pregnant?”

“Nope. They’re going to wait a couple of years before starting a family.”

“Holy shit! We’ve got to be friends with them!”

I don’t know if it’s the area I live in, but people who wait to have children until they’ve been married for a few years are a rarity nowadays. I’ve noticed the practice of getting to know your spouse in the marital home before you start a family is becoming increasingly uncommon. So any time I meet a couple willing to abstain from societal idiocy, I immediately think better of them for it. They’re like diamonds in a driveway full of dumb ass rocks.

When I was in my twenties, it seemed like every girl I knew started sporting the big belly look. After asking each one about their health and politely feigning interest in the names they had picked out, I would always ask, “Are you getting married now?”

Without fail, they would answer, “No. We don’t want to get married just because of the baby.”

Because, you know, marriage is so much more of a commitment than HAVING A FUCKING BABY.

Compared to parenthood, marriage is no commitment at all. You could get married tomorrow, decide you don’t like the dude 2 days later, divorce him, and never see him again for the rest of your life. However, if you decide to have his child, he will remain a part of your life in some form or another, whether you like him or not, forever. The fact that people consider marriage a larger commitment than parenthood is laughably ignorant. Furthermore, it’s indicative of an irresponsible, childlike mentality that isn’t optimal if your goal is to be even a halfway decent parent.

Call me crazy, but I kind of miss the days when having a bastard child was a shameful thing. I wish we would go back to the time where we hid the pregnant, unmarried sluts with the relatives down south while their babies cooked and then brought them home 9 months later with some half baked story of a dead Aunt a new baby to take care of. If anyone asked why the baby resembled his ‘cousin,’ we would desperately claim family resemblance and pray to God no one figured it out while the kid was in school, lest he ended up teased unmercifully.

I would definitely prefer that than attending wedding after wedding where the couple’s own children end up playing the part of flower girl or ring bearer…if they get married at all.

In closing, if you’re not committed to someone enough to marry them, then you should not be having a child with them. Raising a child is a far greater responsibility than building and maintaining a marital home.

Also, putting your bastard children in your wedding is incredibly white trash and tacky. If you have a choice between that and a shotgun wedding, please run to Vegas with your ass on fire, you podunk piece of shit.

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