Bad Week


I’m going to be totally honest here. The reason I have been slacking with this site is because I’ve been feeling pretty uninspired. Lately, it seems like accomplishing even the simplest of tasks has become a fucking ordeal.

I don’t really like to use this site as a way to self indulgently complain, but really, I have nothing else to write about. So, fuck it.

So, without further ado, here is a list of things that have been bothering me lately.

Grocery Shopping

Every week, I go grocery shopping so I can replenish my stock of perishables. Because its winter time and the selection is a little lame and because I’m generally not a gluttonous pig, my shopping list is as follows:

4 bunches of bananas
2 bags of pears
3 bags of precut lettuce
2 bags of baby carrots
1 bag of celery
21 containers of low fat/low sugar yogurt
½ gallon of skim milk

For the record, I have never made it through the check-out lane without someone commenting on my purchases. Typically, I’ll be standing in line, minding my own business, when some fat sow with a shopping cart full of pizza rolls says something smug like, “Buy enough yogurt? *snicker, snicker*”

This wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t hear fat people constantly whining and crying about feeling ‘quietly judged’ by the contents of their shopping carts. Trust me, when you’re pushing around a cart full of TV dinners and tater tots, no one really thinks anything of it because that’s what they’re buying too. But God forbid, you buy a couple of bags of lettuce. Then you’re a freak of nature.

The very next time someone looks into my cart and says, “Wow, your family sure likes bananas, don’t they?” I’m going to respond by saying, “Yeah. And I see your family is particularly partial to chocolate donuts and pop tarts, so fuck you.”


Last weekend, I got it into my head that I was going to donate one of my vehicles to charity. I paid the fucking car of a year ago and haven’t driven since, so I might as well give it to someone who could use it, right?


Apparently, the people who extended me my car loan never released my title after I made the last payment. So I had to spend over 2 hours on the phone with them in order to get this letter thingy from them saying I didn’t owe them any money for the title bureau.

The goddamn bank had one of those automated phone menus that, of course, never has the option I’m looking for.

“Press one if you’d like to make a payment.
Press two if you’d like our mailing address.
Press three if you’d like to check the status of your application.
Press four if we fucked up and now you can’t sign your car over to the poor cancer kids.”


I cannot even begin to articulate how much I despise automated phone menus. Eventually, I got fed up navigating through the thing and just pressed 00000000000 until someone human answered. However, every human I talked to just said, “Hold on, I’m going to transfer you to someone who can help you.”

Then, they’d do 1 of 2 things:

1. Transfer me back to the main fucking menu.
2. Hang up on me completely

It was so fucking frustrating that I ended up hurling my cell phone across the room and breaking the back cover off.

Which brings me to…

Obtaining a Replacement Part for my Cell Phone

After busting the back cover off my cell phone in a moment of inimitable rage and thus leaving the battery exposed to the elements, I decided to hot foot it over to the Verizon store to purchase a replacement cover lest a single drop of water touch my battery and render my warranty worthless.

Verizon store A sent me to Verizon store B. Verizon store B sent me to Verizon store C. Verizon store C told me call Samsung customer service since they couldn’t help me. After a bored rep gave me a half hearted apology for my inconvenience, I answered, “Hey, no problem. I mean, I kind of like spending my days going on wild goose chases. It’s totally how I like to spend my time.”

Samsung customer service forced me to navigate through an automated phone menu for 35 minutes until I frantically pushed 00000 and howled, “OH DEAR GOD WHY DOES THIS WORLD HATE ME SO!”

Finally, the Samsung customer service guy informed me that back covers to my particular phone were out of stock and that they would send me one when they came in.

“Around when will that be?” I asked.

“Uh, probably a long time. At least a month.”

“So about a month?”

Uh, probably longer. But eventually.”

“So what do I do until ‘eventually’ rolls around?”

“Uh, duck tape?”

Fantastic. Fucking fantastic.

This is my week, folks. Hopefully now you can understand why I haven’t written.

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