The Violent Acres Birthday Charity Challenge Begins

April 3rd, 2008.

I actually had an entire week worth of updates for you guys, but then I decided not to bother posting them since it’s abundantly clear that if they’re not about my picture, no one gives a fuck. I wish this realization would have made it through my thick skull weeks ago, because I would have saved myself a bunch of time and energy I could have spent doing something else instead of writing. But what can I say? I’m a slow learner.

Anyway, the word on the contest is organizing it ended up being a lot harder than I thought it would be. I found a lot of charities I wanted to contribute to and placed of few phone calls to those in charge of accepting donations and that is where I ended up hitting brick wall after brick wall.

I started out each phone call by saying that I wrote for a somewhat popular website and that I was interested in using my website to raise money for their charity. Everyone I spoke to seemed pretty enthused about my idea and assured me they were going to help me raise the money any way they could. Each of them asked me to email them a list of things I needed from them and told me we’d go from there.

So I told them that I needed them to set up a private paypal account so my readers could donate to them directly and I would also need access to the information so I could track our progress. I also told them that if they wanted to put up a separate little page on their website talking about the contest and letting readers know who their money was going to help, that would be great too.

Not a goddamn one of these charities wrote me back. My guess is they either thought I was running a scam on them or they were so goddamn computer illiterate that they didn’t understand what I was asking them to do.

I kept searching for a charity I felt I could get behind and who would also be willing to work with me on this shit, but time kept passing and the natives were getting increasingly restless. So, I said, fuck it. I’ll just have my own private paypal shit set up and open up a P.O box and then I can just donate to them directly without any fuss or muss.

The downside to this is that anyone who donates is just going to have to trust that I’m going to turn over the cash to charity. But rest assured: the charity I picked goes to helping abused children. It takes a special brand of evil to steal from abused kids. Only serial killers and Catholic Priests are even capable of that level of evil, and I am neither. So, I’d say you’re pretty safe. Also, I’m asking the charity to at least send me a notarized letter I can post here after they receive the money. Furthermore, I may just press my luck and ask for pictures or something so everyone can see what they paid for.

The name of the facility I’d like to donate to is West Valley Child Crisis Center. The people at West Valley help children who have been removed from very abusive situations by children’s service. Feel free to check out their website here and watch a video about the work they do here:
I’d like to raise $10,000. Considering that the chick over at Wide Lawns raised $3,000 and her site is a bit smaller than mine, so I think this number is more than feasible. Hell, by my calculations, if everyone subscribed to my rss feed simply donated $1.25, we can meet the goal without a dime from my regular, less computer savvy readers. Besides, it’s for a good fucking cause.You all have 6 weeks to donate. I figure this allows a couple of pay periods to go by and if anyone is still waiting on a refund check from the IRS,they have time to wait for that too. If we meet the $10,000 mark, your prize will be the satisfaction of knowing you did a good deed.Oh, and I’ll post a recent picture of me wearing a bikini. Am I really a 43 year old fat man? A heinously ugly woman? Nobody knows for sure, but that can all change with your contribution! (Infomercial over)

I’ll be updating once a week to keep you guys posted on the progress. Also, I should probably let you know that anything I collect over $10,000 may be given to a few people who are volunteering their time to make this contest happen. I’d like to post updates about the contest that include pretty colored graphs and screen shots of the paypal account and since I don’t know how to do any of that shit, I asked a few people to help me out in this regard. If I could, I’d like to give them something for their time. Of course, I’ll be sure to let everyone know immediately after reaching the $10,000 mark so if that’s not cool with you, you can uh, quit donating.

So if you’d like to help abused children and/or have an odd curiosity about what I look like, dig deep and donate as much as you can.

You can donate via paypal:

(the contest is long closed – link removed)

Or, if you one of the last 4 people in the world without a freaking paypal account, you can send me a certified money order here:

Violent Acres Charity Contest
P.O. Box 421272
Indianapolis, IN 46242-1272

Also, feel free to plug this contest on your blog, myspace page, or any internet forums you post on. Like I said, not only is the money is going to a great cause, but the very fact that it exists will build awareness for fucked up children with even more fucked up parents.

The bottom line is it’s real easy to shake your head and pretend you give a shit about little kids who are being beaten, molested, and degraded by the very people responsible for protecting them, but it’s quite another thing to step up and put your money where your mouth is. Quit playing lip service to these kids and help them out in a real, tangible way.

Let’s get this party started, people.

Progress so far:


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