Curlys and Straights

April 23rd, 2008.

A long time ago, I knew a spunky little 5 year old by the name of Anna. One morning, I was helping her get all gussied up for her class picture when we had a little bit of an argument. You see, Anna had long, soft, incredibly curly blonde hair. It was absolutely adorable and, in my humble opinion, well worth the extra effort in morning upkeep.

Anna disagreed and as I carefully combed through her brilliantly bouncy locks, she pouted. “I wish I had straight hair like you!”

Shocked, I insisted, “But Anna! Your hair is gorgeous! I would die for hair like yours!”

With a perplexed sigh, she told me, “V! Don’t you know all the straights want to be curlys and all the curlys want to be straights?”

I laughed and hugged her and complemented her obvious wisdom.

Now, almost 10 years later, I found myself having a similar argument with an employee at a lingerie store.

I just recently lost 10lbs, which while not a big deal for man, is damn near PANDEMONIUM for a woman in regards to her wardrobe. Specifically, her bra size. Ten measly pounds was all it took before I suddenly found myself in need of brand new underwear.

So, I went to a couple of boutiques and some girls attempted to measure and fit me. Apparently though, I have FREAK BOOBS and neither store carried my oh so rare size. Finally, I made my way to lingerie store #3 where yet another girl slid a measuring tape around my rib cage in a vain attempt to find me the perfect bra.

As we stood in the dressing room dicking around with bra after bra, I became increasingly annoyed with my figure.

“This is bullshit,” I whined, “Maybe I don’t need a bra. Maybe I need a fucking plastic surgeon.”

“Are you kidding?” the girl asked, “I would kill for boobs like yours!”

Admittedly, my boobs are a little on the larger size. This may seem like a blessing considering all the attention they attract from men, but I’m here to tell you that they’re not all they’re fucking cracked up to be. When you have a large chest, you can pull off 3 very distinct looks: Bimbo, slightly less bimbo, and fat. It is absolutely impossible to wear one of those cute little tops and look classy. Hell, I know I could manage to look like a slut in a garbage bag.

I tried to explain this to the girl who was fitting my bra, but she just kept shaking her head. She happened to have those itty bitty just-little-more-than-a-mouthful boobs that I have coveted since high school. There is no doubt in my mind that she could wear any top she wanted and still look cute and classy. And if I’m going to be totally honest here, her figure was such that it kind of made me want to screw her in the dressing room amidst all the piles of forgotten lingerie. To me, small boobs are crazy sexy.

Anyway, we argued back and forth for a while until I remembered Anna and her curly hair. Then, with a defeated sigh I said, “Well, I guess the straights always want to be curlys and all the curlys always want to be straights.”

The girl at the boutique smiled politely, but she understandably had no idea what I was talking about. I thought about explaining it to her, but sometimes it takes 5 year old to understand what a cruel trick fate really is.

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    […] weighs in on body image. Since she doesn’t allow commenting, feel free to spout off here. Anna disagreed and as I carefully combed through her brilliantly bouncy locks, she pouted. “I wish I had straight hair […]

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