And the Winner is…

November 16th, 2006.

In the past 35 days, I have:

1. Made it into the technorati top 15 and stayed there for a solid week.

2. Had 2 posts make it to the front page on digg.

3. Had 2 posts make it to the front page of reddit, one post staying in the number one slot for 3 days.

4. Made it to the front page of delicious twice.

5. Had 2 posts make it to the front page of popurls.

6. Made it to the number 3 spot on Alexa’s movers and shakers list.

7. Had 70ish blogs break down and link to me.

8. Averaged roughly 12,000 unique visitors and 18,000 pageviews daily this past week. Not counting, of course, the the two days where I had a total of 110,000 uniques and 200,000 pageviews because that’d just be cheating.

You know what that spells, don’t you?

F-A-I-L-U-R-E

Or at least I thought it did when I went whining to my husband.

(Quick side note: If you think your children are bad, you have no idea how much having a permissive father hones your mad whining skillz. I’m convinced that I could have forced Gandhi to sign his hut over to me, shove glass in his eyes, and hurl himself off of a cliff. Recognize.)

But yeah, I thought my monthly website accomplishments sucked and I was pouting to my husband, insisting that I just wasn’t good at this Internet thing when he assured me that I was doing better than most.

Of course, I didn’t believe him.

So he sat down with me and showed me some of your stats and rankings and wow. In a mere 35 days, I have managed to more than triple the traffic that most of you are getting? Seriously? Furthermore, a lot of you have been at this for years? Holy shit, you guys suck.

What is even more hilarious is that a lot of you called me things like a ‘no talent ass clown.’ Well, this no talent ass clown just pwned your face. That has really got to buuuuuurrrrrrnnn you in your no-no spots! I mean, so much for your superior writing skills, huh?

Ok, ok, ok, I’m going to stop gloating and get to talking about my little catchphrase contest….

While I am please with the amount of entries (I had only expected 10 websites, tops, would enter!), I have to say that I didn’t find anything that really struck my fancy. I was hoping for something deliciously nasty, cruel, and insulting. But not one of you could think of something mean enough. I mean, seriously, have you learned nothing from this website? The best insults come from taking the things that I feel vulnerable about and kicking virtual mud all over them! Calling me a ‘bitch’ is just stating the obvious, you fucking amateurs.

The rest of the entries were compliments. And while I do appreciate your compliments, (I do, really, I do) compliments aren’t particularly funny. So since my only requirements for a catchphrase was that it be either mean or funny, I’m afraid I’m going to have to go without one unless someone happens to come up with something better in the future. I guess I can’t be one of the cool kids today, after all.

However, I did find some pretty interesting and well written blogs. I bookmarked a handful of you and if I see you updating regularly, you may just end up on my links list after all. I know! I’m such a giver.

Anyway, I just want to take a moment here to thank everyone who obsessively reads my site. If it wasn’t for crazies like you, talentless hacks like me would not get our much needed negative attention. You’re all heroes in my eyes.

Heroes.

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3 Responses to And the Winner is…

  1. Grim Bros

    Violent Acres Catchphrases…

    Like a bucket of water at a witches convention
    The proverbial sand in the vaseline, in the beach party of life
    Miles and miles of sprawling contempt and insensitivity
    Like a buttplug, only coarse and pointy
    Spreading super-glue on public toilet seats …

  2. :Ben Metcalfe Blog » Blog Archive » More on Violent Acres…

    […] For a ‘regular person’ she seems to be very aware of the success metrics such as Alexa and Technorati rankings, and inclusion in Digg and del.icio.us – and she’s monitoring them. My ‘normal user blogger’ wife barely knows what any of these are let alone why they’re significant indicators. […]

  3. violentacrestalk.com » Blog Archive » Violent Acres: And the Winner is…

    […] Original post: And the Winner is… […]