This year, Christmas for me included a trip to the hospital.
I woke up Christmas day with a fairly bad headache. Knowing that a trip to my in-laws would likely make said headache worse as opposed to better, I gulped down a few aspirin. Suddenly remembering the entitled shrill of my gluttonous sister in law’s voice, I gulped down a few more.
An hour later and I was fine. My Husband and I stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank before making a trip. Since his family can’t cook worth a shit, we decided to grab a few snacks to fill up on. Better a bag of candy than a dry ass turkey dinner.
In the gas station, I felt a little moisture in my ear. Thinking it was just some leftover shampoo I failed to rinse completely after washing my hair, I absentmindedly wiped it with the tips of my fingers. However, instead of finding shampoo on my hands, my fingers were wet with blood.
“Hey!” I said to my Husband, “My ear is bleeding!”
He came over to check. “Oh my God, does it hurt?”
“No, not at all.”
“Can you hear out of it?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m sure it’s no big deal. It will probably stop by the time we get to your Grandmother’s house.”
I grabbed a tissue so I could periodically mop up the blood. It was bleeding pretty heavily. And unfortunately, 3 hours later, it was still gushing blood. Finally, my in laws convinced my Husband to take me to the emergency room.
One after another, the doctors came in and looked in my ear. One after another, they mused to themselves, “Wow, this is really weird!”
“Uh, is this a big deal?” I asked.
“Well, I’m not sure. Are you sure this has never happened before?”
After being asked that question no less than 10 times, I had a mad urge to answer, “Ok! You got me! This happens to me every day of the week! When I told you ‘no’ before, I was only fooling with you!”
Instead, I said, “I’m sure.”
Finally, a doctor decided to fill my ear with silver nitrate, which I’m pretty sure is the same stuff they use to kill werewolves. Also, the shit hurt like hell. Afterward, the doctor told me to visit my primary care physician and get a full check up.
So, to recap: I went into the hospital completely fine albeit a bloody ear. I came out in tremendous pain with a fucking list of errands to run. And people wonder why I hate going to the fucking Doctor.
The ironic part is I knew why my ear was bleeding; I just couldn’t mention it to the Doctor. I mean, I have spent my whole life claiming that so&so was so annoying they make my ears bleed. In fact, I had said that very sentence that Christmas morning in reference to my sister in law.
I guess Karma decided to teach me a lesson.
Either that or my sister in law has a voodoo doll.
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