How I Learned to Despise Christians

.

The first thing I thought when I saw him was: I bet he’s a vegetarian.

He had all the telltale signs. Tall and lanky. Overgrown, curly gray hair. Knitted mittens. Plaid hat with ear flaps. Sallow, sallow eyes. And a general air about him that said, ‘I haven’t eaten flesh in years and I’m hungry, goddammit!’

For a brief moment, I considered getting in another line. But every other line had at least 8 people ahead of me and all I wanted was a bunch of bananas. I like bananas, but generally not enough to wait in line for a half an hour for them. So with great trepidation, I got behind the lanky potential vegetarian.

He hefted a large bag of dog food onto the conveyor belt and began a very animated conversation with no one in particular. The teenage cashier smiled and nodded politely as she held her hand out for payment. Instead of completing his transaction, Mr. Crazy Eyes ignored her completely to announce very loudly to everyone within earshot, “Well! I’ll tell ya! The rich just keep getting richer and the poor just keep getting poorer! Isn’t that right?”

The cashier smiled weakly, “I guess so.”

“You know what we should do?” he continued, “We should gather up all the world’s resources…all the oil…all the food…all the shelter…everything…and divide it up equally between everyone! We should! We should really do that!”

The cashier said nothing. She merely re-presented her hand for payment.

Still fired up and obviously needing an outlet, he turned and looked me (of all people) directly in the eyes. Most sane individuals would consider that a mistake.

“Don’t you think that’s what we should do? Divide it up all equally?”

“So you’re a communist.” I remarked dryly.

“I’ll tell you one thing! Jesus was a communist! He was! Jesus and God were both communists! I know you probably don’t believe this, but I read the Bible once—”

(What the fuck? Why wouldn’t I believe that?)

“—And it said that Jesus was a communist. I read it! I read it when I was 32 years old! Jesus wants us ALL to be CHEERFUL GIVERS!”

He was getting more and more worked up, almost shouting, and a line was forming behind us both. All I wanted was my bananas, so I desperately searched my mind for the perfect thing to say to shut him up for good.

“Well, being that I’m an Atheist, what Jesus says really doesn’t apply to me.”

Unfortunately, this ended up being the exact wrong thing to say.

With a shocked inhalation of breath, Mr. Crazy Eyes froze. His gnarled and bony hand covered his gaping mouth. Then, with eyes rolling in all directions at once, he screamed at me.

“DON’T SAY THAT! You can’t say that! You’ll go to HELL if you say that!”

I took a short, quick step backwards because for a second there, it looked like he was going to grab me by my shoulders and shake the shit out of me. Instead, he clenched his fists and screamed at the sky.

“JESUS IS COMING BACK, MAN! HE’S COMING BACK! AND IF YOU SAY THAT, YOU’LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!”

I am going to interrupt this story right now because I want to make something perfectly clear. All my life, I have defended Christians. Even though devout Christians are nothing more than America’s little retards, I have stood beside them against my fellow Atheists. I have repeatedly told my brethren, “Hey look, I know they’ve got drool on their chins and snot bubbles on their nostrils, but they’re people, dammit! And as people, they have the right to believe in whatever ridiculous goddamn thing they want free from condescending persecution from you!”

I defend Christians. And this is the thanks I get? THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?

“WORLD BE FREE!” Mr. Crazy Eyes suddenly shrieked, “World Be Free! You probably don’t remember him, but he was a famous basketball star! He was! His real name was World Be Free!”

Have you ever been mid-conversation when you’ve suddenly gotten the sneaking suspicion that you had just been bonked on the head and briefly rendered comatose? Mr. Crazy Eyes had gone from communism to Jesus to professional basketball in 3 minutes flat. Obviously, I had missed a fucking segue or two somewhere.

Mr. Crazy Eyes suddenly singled out the older gentleman standing in line behind me. “You remember, don’t you? You remember World Be Free!”

“Actually,” the gentleman replied, “His real name was Lloyd.” Then, under his breath, “Fucking commie.”

Clearly horrified, Mr. Crazy Eyes paused his tirade. Slowly, I glanced around the grocery store and noticed that everyone within screaming earshot of us had frozen mannequin-like to watch the scene unfold. The cashier was stiffly standing there, hand still upturned, with a perfect ‘O’ of surprised glued to her face.

“LLOYD?” Mr. Crazy Eyes shrieked a final time, “LLOYD!!!!”

Then, with one bony paw, he slapped an entire box of candy bars off of a shelf. Hershey’s bars went flying. Apparently satisfied, Mr. Crazy Eyes turned and stomped out of the store without paying for his dog food.

For a single, endless second, no one said a word.

Then, the older gentleman behind me muttered again, “Fucking Commie.”

Viagra Buy Gold Buy Ultram Combien Coute Le Viagra Au Canada Purchase Xanax Without A Prescription Phentermine Overnight Saturday Delivery Presciption Drugs Sale Online Discount Vitamins Herbs Very Cheap Viagra Delivery Generic Overnight Viagra Delivery Generic Overnight Viagra Delivery Generic Overnight Viagra Lucetam Full Prescribing Information Lucetam Full Prescribing Information Discount Lipitor Cheap Cialis Cheap Cialis Cheap Cialis Citalopram Withdrawal Buy Discount Soma Asa Caffeine Codeine Mail Order Canada

Similar Articles


38 Responses to How I Learned to Despise Christians

  1. Jennies

    HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I’ve been this crazy person…I really have…just spouting rhetoric to whoever is within listening distance. S’why I started a blog myself. I get tired of my own voice.

    It’s quite soothing (not to mention selfish) to babble incessantly to the idiot next to you…I hope you rest assured that by getting it all out of his system, he returned to his normal drool filled existence.

  2. wardriver22

    How I learned to despise atheists.

    Most atheist assume that if one “Christian” does something stupid–that means all Christians are like that. How pathetic.

  3. trustfarm

    Before this, you liked Christians, and after this, you despise them. How did you manage to live this long and have this be the worst experience you ever had with a Christian?

    Also, it sounds like that guy liked Lloyd B. Free at least as much as he liked Jesus, so I guess in fairness, you should despise Lloyd B. Free fans now too.

  4. mindofspaz

    Shit.

    Dad got out of the funny farm.

    Sorry, I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen again.

  5. kaitlyn

    That isn’t like any Christian I know. He sounds a bit mentally disturbed. Come to my blog, get to know a Christian. Come to my church, and see how normal and happy we are. Yes, we have issues and do stupid things but we’re still happy when we’re there.

    I know the church has a bad rap, but you are simply judging based on some very sad circumstances. Not all Christians will scream at you that you’re going to hell and Jesus was a communist.

    While I think wardriver22’s comment was a bit harsh, and I would not have put it in those terms, s/he has a great point.

    http://www.upturnedbarbie.blogspot.com

  6. MoonLitCrystal

    Funny, I learned to hate some of the ideals of Christianity (not Christians themselves) in a totally opposite way.

    Long story short, a “friend” of mine is totally against gays. Her mother and her church have brainwashed her into thinking that being gay is a sin and is contagious. She believes that she should be ashamed to be seen with gays in public.

    That is the reason she stopped hanging out with our group of friends. I don’t agree with her at all, but I am very open minded and I would have probably tried to salvage the friendship and work around her issues if she had been honest with me. Unfortunately she made every excuse in the book in order to hide her true feelings. (“I can’t come out tonight because it’s raining. I have cramps. My cat is sick.” I guess she thought I was really that stupid.) I was the one who had to lay it all out and say to her, “I know the real reason you aren’t coming around anymore.”

    The only thing I hate worse than an in-your-face Christian is a Christian who does not have the balls to stand up for their beliefs (or even admit to having them in the first place).

  7. VA: How I Learned to Despise Christians

    […] Original post: How I Learned to Despise Christians […]

  8. PreHack

    I like bananas, too! 😀

  9. DeadMilkman

    I had a run in with a “we need to share all the wealth of the world” people recently myself… so I asked him if I could have that nice car I saw him drive up in?

    Thought it was going to be a fist fight right there, just goes to show….

  10. jasper345

    This has GOT to make the “best of” list…awesome. I love taunting the crazies, and taunting the fanatical religious wingnuts even more. Keep up the entertainment.

    BTW “Obviously, I had missed a fucking segue or two somewhere.”

    Best. Line. Ever.

  11. nobakecheezcake

    Love it. I’d say something intelligent, but I’ll just bask in your awesomeness and re-post this for all my Atheist friends.

    I’ve been reading your blog for 2 years now and re-posting many of the good ones, (with credit given, of course) and NOW I realize why I’m obsessed. 😛

  12. rolii

    I am a Christian. I like bananas. Hate communism. Don’t give a rat’s ass about Lloyd B. Free. That’s it.

  13. cecelia

    Though I generally think that people should be allowed to in whatever they want I am just sick and tired of people trying to impose their morals on me.. And for some reason this always comes from Christians – like they think they have the authority to judge the sin of everyone around them (which I actually believe is blasphemous). It sort of seems like most Christians missed the most basic teachings from the New Testament.

  14. woogi

    You know, I think this is the one and only time that I have ever been amused to hear the phrase “fucking commie.” Well done, sir (or madam?)

  15. KBlock

    He looked like he might be a vegetarian… is a weird thing to think about as an excuse not to stand behind them in a grocery store. I’m not a vegetarian. I’m also not a Christian. Did this guy look like he might be a Communist? Or a Jesus freak? I think what I see here is a big difference between rabid fundies and mentally ill people, and your possible vegetarian Christian Communist was actually possibly psychotic and not really full of Christian values right then. I was almost married to a guy who grew up in a strict Catholic home who had a psychotic break one day and thought he was on a mission from Jesus to set my cats free, fear the water from the tap, threaten his father’s life with a box-cutter, and buy a full suit and shoes at J.C. Penney to propose to our neighbor who was summoning to him through the wall. When he was normal, he wasn’t all that Christian, not even the super-unobvious kind who just live and go to work amongst us without even really talking about their faith a lot.

    Good thing he kept it to a rant, is all I have to say. It gave you an article! A NEW article.

  16. kirili

    heh. I don’t know, I’d rather be a fucking commie. Btw I know you don’t care, but you’re from the current imperial HQ. The atrocities Americans have committed in the past 60 years… I’d imagine any American without a heart of stone would by now be an insane fucking commie.

  17. lolno

    Either that guy was a schizophrenic, or he just did it so people wouldn’t notice he’s stealing dog food.

  18. Nonentity

    Psst.

    That wasn’t a Christian. That was a fucking lunatic.

    I know making the distinction can be difficult, but I expected better from you.

  19. gary

    Psst.

    To us atheists, you’re all lunatics who believe in some crazy ass shit.

    Of course, most of you are crazy enough to believe you’re not crazy. Which is just crazy.

    Crazy.

  20. thatevilcupcake

    Hmm, you don’t happen to be from Boulder, Colorado, do you? I believe I met that same gentleman on the bus last October. Sat down next to me, began lecturing me about how John McCain was the messiah, and then went on to tell me all about how people who got raped deserved it (I got a little nervous at this point, but didn’t think he’d do anything on the crowded bus), and finally ranted about how he was a vegetarian but for health reasons, not because he was a “God damned hippie.” I politely excused myself to sit with my friend, at which point he kept raving about how John McCain was going to give us bigger buses, and then went to find some other poor sap to torture.

    Crazy people amuse me.

  21. HeavensThunderHammer

    Wow. What a crazy. I don’t think this is punishment for defending christians, just bad luck.

  22. bev

    You’re a talented writer and you have some really great ideas (I particularly enjoyed your essay(s) about getting children to behave).

    I wonder, however, why you use so much profanity?

    The English language is so incredibly vast and it amazes me that people with otherwise extensive vocabularies don’t take the time to investigate words to replace f*ck and sh*t.

    How about an essay on that topic?

  23. JPhilipson

    Hey,
    Been lurking the site for over a year now and I am finally commenting!

    I’m a Christian and I thought this post was absolutely hilarious but just ’cause the guy mentioned Jesus doesn’t mean he’s a Christian. Just thought I’d say that.

  24. strawberryCor

    This is why else you should hate Christians

    http://www.monstrousregiment.com/

    I really am not sure if this documentary was meant as a mockumentary (and then passed off as a documentary to see if it would get a rise out of the general public… their “Hate ‘Male'” says it has) or if it’s a trite and true documentary of how these filmmakers feel about women. I thought you might enjoy it. I’ve read a lot of your blogs and the general theme caused me to refer this back to you. Have a nice day!

  25. Erin

    V, from this entry I’ve surmised that you don’t despise Christians, you despise crazies. Most Christians are rather tacit about their beliefs, because they’re tired of having to hear from condescending Athiests that believing in God is tantamount to believing in Santa Clause, and that they only belong to the faith because they want to believe the righteous are rewarded and the evil punished after death. Live and let live, and let the crazy Bible-thumping Commie have his free dog food.

  26. elliehorton

    A classic example of a crazy person using the excuse of “Jesus wants me to” to talk to random strangers. It’s a great ice-breaker.

    Incidentally, V, why did you start allowing comments on your site? You were totally against it…and now here they are.

  27. gary

    “The English language is so incredibly vast and it amazes me that people with otherwise extensive vocabularies don’t take the time to investigate words to replace f*ck and sh*t.”

    Because there aren’t word that have the exact same meaning and power as those ones? Why would she search for a replacement for a word that presumably means exactly what she’s trying to convey? That’s fucking stupid.

    And stop putting asterisks in perfectly good words. What are you, 11?

  28. banshee384

    Elliehorton, V contracted the running of her site out to someone. She doesn’t have to deal with the comments, so she’s allowing them on the basis that someone else is now running the site and she just writes here occasionally. I’m not even sure, having read the comments in the last few entries, that she even looks at the comments here. She never wanted to actually interact with her audience. The comments are just here because the person running her site thought it would be a good idea.

  29. patchouli514

    I really don’t think the writer truly means he/she learned to despise Christians from this incident. The title is one that is catchy and controversial, therefore it will grab a reader and spark interest. Also, a well thought out blog it seems because there’s enough information and more controversy in the actual “story” to get readers to comment. Some people just love to get offended, and leave huffy comments over any little thing.

  30. Goldie

    One time, I was attacked by a crazy bag lady. She hit me with heavy objects, threw garbage at me and shouted insults. All because she thought I was an alien from outer space who came to give her an anal probe.
    That very moment, I learned to despise women. I mean, all my life, I defended women. And this is the thanks I get? THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?
    Not offended… just confused at the logic behind this post.

  31. Aleusus

    “And stop putting asterisks in perfectly good words. What are you, 11?”

    You are idiotic. It’s called “mature”. What are you, a “punk ass” 16 year old?

    Anyways, this is a horrible article. Look at Goldies example. I’ve met TONS of crazy people who aren’t Christian. It’s so obvious when people aren’t Christian, they make idiotic comments on things that EVERYONE do. It’s just that being Christian automatically makes everything they do seem crazy and dramatic. Also, this guy is obviously not a Christian. He is a very skill full master thief: he distracted everyone enough to keep the dog food.

  32. patrickwins

    And THIS is why there shouldn’t be comments.

    Oh no, are you offended by what V is saying? Pass the fucking kleenex!

    As for profanity, I personally feel that Violent Acres wouldn’t BE Violent Acres without the barrage of curse words. It gives her articles a voice. If I woke up and VA was cleaned up.. I guess I’d convert to Christianity and resort to stealing dog food.

    I think you guys are forgetting who the author is, and the fact that she frankly doesn’t give a fuck what anyone things. Never has, never will. That’s why I love this site.

  33. leah

    V, you need to write more. i know, like you give a shit, right? ha. but really… less guest writers, more V, please.

    i’m sure you read the comments sometimes, but i really like that you still don’t acknowledge the fucking morons. (or is it f*ck*ng?) i’m really glad that hasn’t changed.

    finally, Aleusus – censoring perfectly good words doesn’t equal maturity. i’m sorry you apparently don’t have anything more valuable to base your maturity on than abstaining from the word fuck.

  34. Aleusus

    Show’s how mature you are. I wasn’t censoring anything out, so was I showing my maturity? No. I was stating that that’s what that person’s opinion was, you fucking moron. Patrick, no one here seems offended. Honestly, all I was saying was that it was a bad article and could be used for anything. Offended? No. Everyone has their opinions about cultures, and you can change opinions. Was I trying? No. I could care less about anyone here, like “V’ could care less. Obviously she opened the comments for this reason, for the arguments.

    Maturity – Censoring words is nothing. It’s whether or not you use them like a retard, like you and patrick are. If you’re going to call someone a fucking moron you are going to be labeled immature, most likely. Obviously, you could care less though, as you want to be like V. And yes, people ARE going to label you immature, whether or not you think that is mature or not. I guarantee you other people will think you’re immature if you go around using fuck all the time. Saying something like moron is completely ok, though. Why? Ask society.

    Patrick, if you honestly think I’m offended, you should rethink your life. If you think anyone could get offended off of someones opinion, especially a Christian(whom get critisized on just about everything), then there’s just something wrong with you. Or maybe I’m just acting to much like V?

    I’m not a Christian. It’s just pathetic how you idiots do this. Grow up. Stop judging everyone around you and try judging yourself.

  35. jakatak

    Your title sucks. I know you are trying to get attention and laughs in your writing, but if you were to replace the word Christians with Blacks or Jews or Homosexuals, you’d be an a heap of headache.

    When you went shopping, did you buy the blackest oldest banana and eat it and decide that you hated all bananas??? Of course not. Then stop doing that with the Christians.

    By the way, I am not going to blog “How I despise Atheists” after reading your article. That wouldn’t be right to all the nice Atheists out there.

  36. jfa0930

    V, what the fuck. You posted this story like 2 years ago originally…are you running out of material or what?

  37. Alaska

    Those kinds of people are why I quit going to church… I believe in God. I believe in some of the Bible. I don’t believe you go to hell for not believing that gays are the devil (they can’t be, they’re awesome). Why can’t there be more people who are just kind, (mostly) normal, non judgmental Christians. I know some are out there, but why not more?

    Anyways, I get you, V. I get you.

  38. Scott

    I’m in a precarious situation, I despise Christians too while also being one. Truth of the matter is, I’m a closet Christian, I keep it to myself, I tell very few people about my personal beliefs, the reason being is that Christians are fucking crazy and I don’t want to be affiliated with any of them. It’s noble of you to defend Christians, truly, but you can stop now. Not even I defend them anymore. They deserve exactly what they get, they have created their own anti-Christ monsters. It’s like trying to stop kids from sticking their finger in the socket, the more we prevent their pain, the longer it takes them to learn they shouldn’t do it.

Leave a Reply