I don’t know how I survived it.
There are few things in this world that I consider more torturous and dull than spending holidays with my in laws. This is not to say that I don’t like them, per se. I like a few of them just fine. I am only implying that when grouped together, they are about as entertaining as watching flies fuck.
The food is terrible, but I give them a pass on that considering that I am a bit of a food snob. But still! Everything served comes out of a box or is bought pre-prepared from the store. What is the point of Thanksgiving if no one is planning to cook a quality feast? I mean, I can stay home and eat kraft mac & cheese and green beans out of a can. I don’t need to drive to a different state to eat packaged ‘just add water’ gravy.
But worst of all is my choice for beverages. I’m generally offered either iced tea, bottled water, or coke. What is with this iced tea bullshit? My husband’s family doesn’t understand that next to the turkey, the booze is the most important part of the holiday meal. In my family, the holidays were all about getting drunk and telling people what you really thought of them. How in the hell am I supposed to get liquored up and slur to the Sea Donkey, “Yanno….no one here even likesh you…” if they insist on having a dry Thanksgiving?
Iced tea. Are you fucking kidding me?
This year, my husband disappeared into the basement to watch football which is customary for him. I sat in the playroom with all my nieces and nephews because at least there’s coloring books in there. My youngest niece has an entire wardrobe of play clothes….cowgirl outfits, superhero costumes, various dresses. She dolled herself up like a princess and came running over to me to show off her splendor. I complimented her taste in chiffon and asked the crucial question:
“Are you a good princess or a bad princess?”
She thought a moment and then smiled a deliciously evil smile. “A baaaaaaadd princess.”
My kind of kid.
After that, I decided to take her for a walk around the block so we could search for unicorns because duh. Everyone knows that the only time you can see a unicorn is on Thanksgiving and only if you’re a bad princess. All you good princesses must be pretty jealous right around now, huh?
As we were making our way down the long, curvy driveway, I noticed the Sea Donkey getting into her minivan. Vaguely, I thought to myself, “There is no way she is driving down here because she’s too lazy to walk to the end of the drive….”
But alas, she was on her way to the store to pick up more crappy food. She pulled up beside us and shrieked at my youngest niece:
“Liza! You hold Aunt V’s hand! I’m serious! You will be in so much trouble if you don’t hold Aunt V’s hand!”
Then she sped away like the Wicked Witch of the West, all ‘and your little dog tooooooo!’
Liza gave me a look that basically said ‘whateva’ and we spent the rest of the day tracking unicorns through underbrush. We made it home just in time for dinner and sat down to eat. When we were finished, everyone remained at the table to stare in horror at the Sea Donkey who was zealously cramming copious amounts of food down her gullet. For a second, I was convinced that I could hear her getting fatter.
After dinner, my in laws all insisted on playing board games ‘as a family.’ May I take a moment remind you that there is no alcohol at these little shindigs? I am literally forced to play uno-fucking-attack for 3 hours dead cold sober. Every time that thing spit cards at me, I had to resist the urge to smash it into little pieces and hurl it across the room. Goddamnit, I wasn’t drunk enough for that kind of bullshit!
Later that evening, with much excuses and even more referencing of the time, my husband and I scuttled out to our car to make our way home. For Christmas, I vowed to bring a flask of doctored eggnog to the festivities. Maybe I’ll even spike some punch so everyone can have a good time. I mean, it will be Christmas, after all.
Tis the season for giving!
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