American Idol Contestant Sings a Song About Child Molestation

March 1st, 2009.

A couple of nights ago, I was thumbing through the channels on my TV set when, resigned and bored, I briefly settled on American Idol. A contestant, whose name I do not know because I don’t actually follow the show, was in the process of singing ‘Man in the Mirror’ by Michael Jackson.

Not 10 second into the performance, I muttered to the television screen, “Better kick it up a few notches, asshole.”

Said asshole mewed and whined a few more verses in an attempt to make the song sound pretty. For some strange reason, this annoyed the shit out of me.

Losing my admittedly erratic and often irrational temper, I howled at the screen, “Jesus Christ, man! Will you sing that song with some passion please! Don’t you know what that song is about?”

If anyone reading right now blinked and answered, “Changing the world via charity?” let me take this moment to tell you exactly how naïve and incorrect you are. Learn to read between the lines, people.

“Man in the Mirror,” by Michael Jackson is about diddling little boys. I’d bet money on it.

Don’t think I was always so enlightened. I’ll admit, when it first came out I was also fooled. I bought the lie. I, too, bobbed my head to the beat while thinking to myself, “Wow, Michael is tired of being a rich asshole and now he wants to give to charity and shit. What a fucking humanitarian!

Oh, Michael, you tricky bastard! In retrospect, it’s pretty obvious that you had just molested your first little boy and felt a twinge of guilt. Much like a Catholic priest, I’m sure you thought covertly confessing your sins would stifle your monstrous urges to tongue a prepubescent little boy’s asshole.

By the way, how did that work out for you? Ouch, not so well, eh?

For those of you who are still skeptical listen for yourself:

I’m looking at the man in the mirror
And I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and make a change
(And quit molesting kids)
Nanana nanana nananananana

It’s so obvious now, isn’t it?

That’s why watching that contestant softly sing “Man in the mirror” last night was so annoying. Michael Jackson didn’t sing that song; he screamed it. He screamed it as if the pedophilic hounds of Hell were chasing him. And despite the fact that he tossed in a couple of garbage lines about starving children (Starving for HIS COCK), he sang it like a man desperate for an appetite for full grown pussy. Or at least barely legal pussy.

Alas, the Gods were not on his side.

Sorry, Michael. American Idol just doesn’t understand you.

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27 Responses to American Idol Contestant Sings a Song About Child Molestation

  1. Myroid

    Please, V. Don’t insult our intelligence with this puerile and rather disgusting attempt at humor.

    On a side note, balls.


    Ok… so are you working on any articles that don’t suck?

  3. foobunny

    Psht. Like Michael Jackson ever wrote anything.

  4. tiny-topian

    How apt to talk about Michael Jackson, a fading star. Where has the writing gone that felt real rather than so contrived? I would rather you had written about your own secret desire to lick pubescent arse-holes. From the first two lines of another Michael Jackosn song, Bad, “Your Butt Is Mine,
    Gonna Take You Right”.

  5. madamehussein

    …..And all hail Maiden for publicly denouncing feminism:

    There’s an evil virus that’s threatening mankind
    Not state of the art, a serious state of the mind
    The muggers, the back stabbers, the two face elite
    A menace to society, a social disease.

    Rape of the mind is a social disorder
    The cynics, the apathy oneupmanship order

    Watching beginnings of social decay
    Gloating or seering at life’s disarray
    Eating away at your own self esteem
    Pouncing on every word that you might be saying

    [….]When every good thing?s laid to waste
    By all the jealousy and hate
    By all the acid wit and rapier lies

    And every time you think you’re safe
    And when you go to turn away
    You know they’re sharpening all their paper knives

    [….]All in your mind
    All in your head
    Try to escape it

    Without a conscience they destroy
    And that’s a thing that they enjoy
    They’re a sickness that’s in all our minds

    They want to sink the ship and leave
    The way they laugh at you and me
    You know it happens all the time

    […]The rats in the cellar you know who you are….

    Or do you?

  6. someinanebitch

    Television made me angry too. So I stopped using it. It’s amazing how many people find commercials funny.

  7. foobunny

    4 months ago I rid myself of cable television. It’s amazing what you can do with all that spare time. Like plumb the depths of the internet. *shiver*

  8. renaissance

    i doubt that song is about molesting children but then again what with his weird dance in all i would think maybe so, but yea he is a child molester

  9. kirili

    weak V, but we’re obviously reading it because we’re addicted.

    … I don’t know if he DID molest children: on the one hand I see the benefit to him of the “oh people are desperate for my money, that is why they accuse me of touching the little boys and girls” but then I also see the benefit of “oh dirty popstar, fallen king of pop” for the media.

    Maybe he did it.

    Andand if you want a real song about child molestation try Twisted Ballerina by Jayne Sachs.

  10. kevin

    I think you’re right. The line “I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love” is also relevant… he was abused as a child which is why he abuses others.

  11. jaws

    I could care less about this post. It’s pointless. As in, it has no point. But that’s a typical V post. PWOT. And, obviously I realize posting responses is pointless squared, if not cubed… I was just wondering why I received an email from this site this morning after canceling my subscription a couple of months ago or so. My mind was at peace even after a few weeks of not receiving these updates. Then, lo and behold. This abomination appears in my inbox. V, I have no problem with you personally. In fact, you’re probably a beautiful person… inside and out. I just don’t want to be reminded that you exist. I’ll admit, I’ve dropped by from time to time to see if you have anything worthwhile to read… but most of the time I just throw up in my mouth. And then I just have to use extra mouth wash… and that shit ain’t cheap. Hugs & kisses ~ now leave me alone unless you want to cut through the bs and get to the core of what makes you ‘act’ the way you do. Good luck.

  12. tmp311

    “I’ll admit, I’ve dropped by from time to time to see if you have anything worthwhile to read… but most of the time I just throw up in my mouth.”

    Seriously? If this site of all places makes you puke, I’d advise you to stay away from… well pretty much the entire rest of the internet.

  13. anastasia

    Could we please have something interesting? Here you sound like a whiny, attention seeking kid. You’ve sank to the level of your despised “mommybloggers”. You can do so much better than this.

  14. Verandering

    Look at all the serious business in here.

  15. jaws

    In all seriousness though, V we should hang out sometime… catch up on old times, talk things over.

  16. mindofspaz

    MJ sings songs about diddlin’ Kiddies?




    Get out!

  17. jaws

    Sense of humor? I remember what that was like. Life is funny (and sad) enough, huh? I don’t plan on coming around again after this merry-go-round. So if there is anything that needs working out… here and now is the time. If not, hey keep on keepin’ on and best wishes to the fam.

  18. jaws

    Why? I was fine w/ being out of the fold. Why did you bring me back in?
    Can you answer that question for me?

  19. just me

    What the hell is the deal with this site? You sold it so now the writing is crap? What are you trying to prove? In the past reading here was great, now it SUCKS!!!!!

  20. Tin Man

    It must be one of those ‘take the $ and run things,’ you know, this here’s a story about what’s-his-name and what’s-her-name. Woo Hoo. Go on take the money and run. fade out.

  21. Shibby

    WOW. That was actually one of the most retarded things I have ever read…. in my whole life. That sounded like it was written by a 14 year old boy. Immature and just plain dumb.

  22. Esther

    I’m surprised you’re writing about this bullshit instead of the octuplet mom who’s living off welfare to pay for all of her children, since that seems like it would matter more to you than what some kid on American Idol was doing.

    Stop sucking so I don’t feel so bad for linking my friends to this site.

  23. Goldie

    I’ve been checking the latest posts my favorite blogs this afternoon and guess what, they all sucked. (Yes this one too.) Yet another proof that blogging is finally dead. (Not to be confused with mommyblogging, which was stillborn.)

  24. jaws

    Hey, I don’t mean to be the one that brings up the whole “can’t we all just get along” thing, but whether you believe in creationism, darwinism, both, or neither… we all came from one singular cell. All of us. Actually the same lump of carbon and whatever. We could debate it for eternity and nobody & everybody would be right & possibly wrong. This post may have been a little lame, but that really doesn’t matter now does it?

  25. FTW Friday - 13 March 2009 | Border7 Studios

    […] American Idol Contestants Sings about Child Molestation: V is hilarious. Anything she writes is always hilarious fail. This is no different. […]

  26. lori

    This is such a sad waist of web space. This was one of the best blogs ever and now NOTHING.
    Close up or fucking start typing!!

  27. alyssa

    i like how everyone is saying how they think you fucking suck, but they are still reading your work, this shows how your writing hooks dumb asses who claim they hate you in, i like you!

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