Two things happen to bullies when they grow up: they either become drug dealers or they become police officers. Which field the bully ultimately goes into depends largely on whether or not his parents went to college. If Mom was a school teacher and Dad worked for an insurance company, the little wet neck weasel that pulled down your pants in gym class will someday go for his badge. If Dad was nonexistent and Mom blew guys for food stamps, the crazy little asshole who socked you in the face on a dare will eventually start growing weed in his closet. The only person who has a more predictable life than a high school bully is the prettiest blond cheerleader on the squad. (She, of course, will gain 3 children and 60lbs by her 26th birthday.)
For the record, this article isn’t about the chumps you went to high school with. It’s about police officers. Or, more specifically, how to get out of traffic tickets. I wrote a little about the childhood tendencies of police officers because if you’re going to manipulate one, it’s best you have an idea of what makes them tick. You have to consider the fucked up little ways in which their shockingly small brains work. Sometimes that means you have to consider what the awful little shits were doing in grade school. Likely, he was being a bully. Imagine the smarmiest little asshole you went to school with. If he was dressed nice by his overtly liberal parents, had an incredibly sissy sounding name, and nearly always backed down if someone tougher stood up to him, it’s likely he joined the force. Basically, a police officer is nothing more than a grown up bully with a badge. Stand up to one now though, and you’ll find yourself sitting in a cell after 5 of them held you down and shoved a taser up your ass.
Make no mistake, a police officer’s job isn’t to ‘serve and protect.’ A police officer’s job is to fuck around with the average, every day Joe who forgot to wear his seat belt. AKA a police officer writes traffic tickets. If you want someone to keep you safe from rapists, burglars, and murders, don’t call the cops. Buy a dog.
With that said, police officers are actually pretty easy to deal with. Over the years, I have gotten pretty adept at escaping their greasy grasp without receiving a ticket. All you have to do is remember a few key rules.
Never Ask a Police Officer How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket
Or, if you do, expect a lie. Don’t believe me? Give it a shot. I’ll bet you $10 that Officer Asshole advises you to ‘just be really respectful’ and ‘don’t give him a hard time.’
Bullshit. You can ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’ that fucking asshole to death. You’ll still get the ticket. Why? Please re-read paragraph one of this article. Remember when I told you that police officers are bullies? And what does a bully enjoy more than lesser beings feeding his ego? Calling him ‘sir’ does nothing but remind him that he has power over you. It’ll make him happy, sure. But unless it makes you happy to see him strut up to your window with a ticket in hand, don’t bother.
Pretend You Care About Him on a Human Level
The thing about bullies is they grew up either being overindulged and coddled, or ignored completely. No one, not even their parents, ever cared about them on a sincere, individual, human level. If you want to throw a police officer for a loop, be the first person in their lives to show genuine concern over their well being.
A good little maneuver to pull* when you get pulled over is to immediately scoot over to your passenger side seat. When the cop walks up to the driver side window, wave him frantically over to the passenger side window while simultaneously insisting, “Please come over here. I don’t want you to stand so close to traffic like that. If some idiot serves and hits you, it will be my fault.”
Sound concerned and flustered and as your police officer obediently walks around you car, you will notice his shoulders slump, his head bow, and a half smile will appear on his face. Someone is worried about him? Why, that’s never happened to him before! Now, all of the sudden, how fast you were going is the last thing on his mind.
Do NOT Make Excuses
When you make excuses, the only thing you do is set yourself up to be lectured. If there is one thing a police officer loooooves to do, it is to lecture. It’s how they psych themselves up into a frenzy of self righteousness which will make them feel good about writing you a ticket.
Instead, shrug and say, “I’m sorry.” THE END.
If the police officer persists in asking you WHY you were going so fast, just say, “I guess I just didn’t notice how fast I was going. Thanks for stopping me. I know you’re just doing your job.”
Anything after that, just repeat, “I’m sorry.”
Part of the fun of writing tickets for police officers is the part where you beg and make excuses while they lecture you and ultimately punish you. It’s their adult version of ‘Say uncle!’ Take the fun out of the game and they’ll be less likely to play it with you. You’ll actually see their eyes leave your face to scan the streets as they’re talking. Want to know what they’re doing? They’re looking for weaker prey. That teenager driving the red ford focus looks like a good target…
Change the Subject
If at all possible, change the subject. Try to get your police officer to forget that he’s a police officer. This is surprisingly easy to do.
For example, if your dog is in the car, allow your dog to crawl up on the window and solicit petting from the cop. Train your dog to do this if you have to, it’s well worth the time.
Then you can say, “I’m sorry, he just really loves people. Do you like dogs?”
(Do NOT say, “He really loves police officers!” Remember, you are trying to get him to FORGET that he’s a police officer, not remind him! Also, you will sound too obvious and suck up-y.)
The next thing you’ll know Officer Short Attention Span will be waxing nostalgic about some beagle pup he had in the 8th grade. Ask a lot of questions, sound interested in his stupid story and the next thing you know he’ll be waving you away without as much as a written warning.
Hate to Say it, But Boobs Help
Don’t be overtly flirty or the grease ball might actually want you to do something in exchange for leniency. But if you have a nice rack and are wearing a tight shirt, it helps to lean over a lot.
When All Fails, Go to Court
If you did everything exactly how I told you and still got the ticket, chances are your police officer walked away from your car feeling deflated or even a little guilty for hassling you. In that case, go to court and contest the charges. Nine time out of time, he won’t bother to show up as a witness against you. Which means you’ll get nailed with a small fine to cover court costs, but no actual points on your license.
On the other hand, if you copped an attitude, argued with your police officer, gave him a hard time, condescended to him, or otherwise allowed your utter disdain for him to show, your police officer will walk away from your car filled with FURIOUS ANGER. He will show up with a hard on in court just to fuck with you some more and it will be the highlight of his day to do so. Piss him off even more and he will convince his buddies to follow you around town looking to nail you for even the most minor of infractions. I know someone who pissed off a police officer so bad he ended up losing his license due to 12 point violation. He got all of his tickets in the span of 2 weeks and some of them were so ignorant that I still can’t believe they stuck. No joke, 2 of those points came from a traffic ticket he got for going 31 in a 35. Yes you read that right: he got a ticket for going four miles UNDER the speed limit.
Obviously, he pissed off the wrong pig.
Basically my list boils down to this: fake like you think police officers are human. Reward them when they act like one. Then drive away, ticket free, muttering to yourself about what a bunch of stupid fucking tools they are.
It’s what I do and it works.
*Unless you’re black. In which case, it’s more likely the cop will just try to shoot you through your back window.
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