Frequently Asked Questions

December 4th, 2006.

For the most part, I despise FAQ’s. They’re generally filled with pointless information such as birthdates and meticulous lists of the author’s favorite foods AS IF ANYONE FUCKING CARES. However, the difference between the average everyday FAQ and this one is that people actually asked me this stuff. Furthermore, they asked me frequently enough that I felt it warranted a response. So, here you go.

1. Why do you write anonymously? I’ll never take anything you say seriously unless you’re willing to put your real name on it.

For all you know, everyone writes anonymously, but you just bought it when they signed their posts ‘Mark.’ The fact of the matter is that the name is only important when you’re an egomaniac that demands recognition for your work. I am not.

For me, the ideas presented are important and I could give a shit what the name is. If I said my name was Sissy McRealnamepants from New Jersey would that make anything I said more valid? Would that take the bite out? Is your opinion more important than mine because a bunch of people who couldn’t pick you out of a crowd know your name is Stacey?

Besides, artists have been using pen names and pseudonyms for generations now, so quit acting like this is some new phenomenon.

Mark Twain. Richard Bachman. Meatloaf. Leigh Nichols. Prince. Madonna. Lemony Snicket. J.K Rowling. Fiona Apple. Marilyn Manson. Nicolas Bourbaki. George Eliot.

All these names are either partially accurate or completely fake. I dare you to say with any seriousness that your blog which precisely documents how many times a day your cat pukes has more artistic merit than anything they’ve ever done simply because you were willing to write your real name on it.

Besides, I have already revealed my name all over this website. Anyone clever could figure it out.

2. What business is it of yours how I parent my children?

You act like your children live in a vacuum and have no effect on the rest of the world. You’re wrong. When you fail to teach your children discipline, the rest of the world gets to hear them shriek in a restaurant. When you fail to teach your children respect, the rest of the world gets to listen to their sulky snide tone in the department store. When you fail to teach your children anger management, the rest of the world has to clean the blood off of the walls.

Your children will be running this country someday. I live in this country. So when you are in the process of breeding the next generation of emotionally stunted cons and welfare mothers, I get to comment since that directly affects me. Quit failing and I’ll quit commenting.

3. My weight is none of your business. What right do you have to comment on my obesity? What do you have against fat people anyway?

Again, you don’t live in a vacuum. Other people do suffer the ramifications of your poor choices. For example, as you drop dead in droves from heart attacks, the price of my health insurance increases. Consider that.

Furthermore, I don’t have a problem with fat people. I can actually forgive a lot of indiscretion if one is at least pleasant company. Fat men are generally pretty jolly folk. Fat women, on the other hand, are bitter insecurity ridden hags. So, fuck them.

4. Do you have any idea what feminism really is? Women don’t exist solely for the purpose of being visually appealing to men, you know! Women don’t like to be objectified.

Oh reallllllyyyyy? Women don’t like being objectified? Then how do you explain:

Botox. Fake breasts. Lingerie. Tummy tucks. Face lifts. Hair care products. French manicures. Make-up. Suggestive dancing. Bikinis. Etc. Etc. Etc.

None of those things suggest that women like to be objectified? Oh wait, I forgot. All that stuff is empowering. My mistake.

5. Don’t you think that variety in sex is important? Women don’t want the same thing every night!

Well, duh.

However, I challenge the idea that loving, romantic sex has anything really do to with copulation. I think a woman craves that when she’s feeling vulnerable and needs to be nurtured. When she’s in the mood for raw passion, on the other hand, it’s a different story.

6. Why should I take your financial advice?

You shouldn’t. If you want to be financially independent, you should do your own research. I’ve said as much. Jeez people, gain some reading comprehension skills already.

7. If you have so much money, why do you put ads on your site?

Because I can. What a stupid fucking question. That actually reminds me of that Geico commercial where the lizard, loosely paraphrased, says, “What if I told you that you could save a lot of money if you just stood up? Would you say, ‘No thanks, I’m so rich that I think I’ll just keep my seat?”

See how ignorant that sounds?

Would you turn down extra money for something you were already doing in the first place just because you didn’t need it? If so, then that’s probably why you’re broke and I’m not.

8. What is your motivation for starting this site?

World peace.

Are you serious? Are you people that full of yourselves? Do you honestly think we’re changing lives here?

I am not gunning for a TV show, a book deal, a spot on a panel, Internet superstardom or an interview with Geraldo. I write simply because I have things to say. There is no ulterior motive.

9. Why don’t you allow comments on your site? Why don’t you post your email address?

Well, I think that’s pretty obvious, don’t you?

Because I don’t want to interact with you.

I don’t want to feel obligated to reply to your boring emails. I don’t want to take time out of my day to moderate your silly little comments. I don’t want to run in your cliquey high school social circles and I don’t want to be a part of your immature little Internet wars. I don’t want to be your friend.

Networking is just a fancy way to say ass kissing and a link from you is not important enough to me that I’d actually pretend to like you. Besides, I don’t need my virtual dick sucked to feel good about myself in the morning.

10. I call bullshit. The only reason you don’t allow comments is because you can’t take the criticism.

People criticize me all over the goddamn Internet and I read it. Needless to say, I’m generally not offended by the rampant vitriol. When I read a long angry diatribe where I’m described as being self absorbed and callous, I don’t run out of the room in tears because you broke my fragile little heart.

Normally, I think, “Damn. This bitch has got my number!”

The first week I started this site, I referred to myself as a bad person. I did not write that to be cute and flip. I wrote that because it’s true. I am a bad person. I recognize this about myself. I do not think that the world would be more enlightened or ‘better off’ if only people thought like me. On the contrary, the reason I think the world is so shitty right now is because too many people already think like me. So, criticize me all you want! Nine times out of ten, I agree with you.

Also consider that my site does allow trackbacks. I generally approve any entry that isn’t blatant spam. Even the ones that call me a big meanie poopy head.

11. I don’t understand. You say you don’t want to interact with your readers, but then it sometimes seems as if you’re inviting commentary. What gives?

I don’t do discussions, but I do like to read other people’s thoughts.

I don’t have time to participate in lengthy debates via email, but I adore reading a good essay.

The idea of trolling a message board defending my cause of the week bores me, but I’m not opposed to taking a peek if you do it.

In other words, I don’t want to entertain you. I want you to entertain me. On your turf. Get it?

12. Are you cheese / clueless / beth / stopmyabortion / who / misanthropicbitch / snubbed mommyblogger / heaven nose / etc?

Yes. Any and all rumors pertaining to me are absolutely true.

13. Do you fake your stats?

Sure! I also fake my alexa rating, my technorati rating, and my google information. I’d tell you how I did it, but only the most elite haxxors in the world are privy to super secret information like that.

Look, I can’t believe that anyone reads this garbage, either. Every time I type something up, I howl to my husband, “Why are they linking to that? It’s a polished turd!”

Truth be told, I actually think my writing is quite sub par. Moreover, the ideas I’m presenting are far from revolutionary and they don’t even scrape the surface of original.

However, I do have a theory why so many people read this. In a nutshell, the Internet is too nice. I think people are getting bored with the saccharine sweet ass kissing that is rampant on the web and they’re looking for an alternative opinion. Right now, I’m pretty much the only one that offers an alternative opinion while simultaneously updating regularly.

Someday, someone will come along and do what I’m doing….only better and with more wit and verve. At that point, I’ll bow out gracefully.

14. How does one end up on your link list?

Luck.

I link to people who seem like they have something to say. No one that I link to has ever sent me a long, ass kissing email begging for the exposure and it is not a requirement that they link back to me in return. In fact, I strongly suspect that Grimthing over there thinks I’m a flaming retard. It bothers me not. If they wrote a post calling me out, they’d still keep their links.

I may not agree with everything they write, but they’re saying something. Because that’s so goddamn rare nowadays, I think it deserves a link.

15. How do people email you if you never give out your email address?

The few of you that are brighter than the rest of the herd have managed to track it down. Unfortunately, your only reward has been me pretending that I never received it. Don’t take it personally. I do the same thing to my Mother-in-law.

16. I was so loving everything you write, but then you wrote *insert article that hit a bit too close to home here.* Good job, VA, you lost a loyal reader!

I realize that the uber cool cliché thing to say here is, “If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Duh!”

But instead I’ll say:

Hey man, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. But I’m not here to be your friend. I do not write to win your love and loyal readership. If something I’ve said makes you feel a little icky inside, consider the source, and then lighten the fuck up a little bit. Also consider that if everyone thought exactly as you do, the world would be a really fucking boring place.

17. You said that people should think about how their actions affect others when it comes to being fat, but you then you caused traffic accidents without thinking about my insurance premiums!

I could write a bit long answer complaining that the point of my tailgating article was that I learned my lesson and decided to quit brake checking and it sucks that everyone fucking missed the point, but I’m not gonna.

Instead, I’m going to go with the easy answer:

Obviously, I’m a hypocrite.

18. Where are the facts to back up your claims?

Look at the header at the top of my site. Does that say ‘Violent Acres: Investigative Reporting?’

No, it does not. It says: ‘Violent Acres: I’m just like you, only I’m interesting and my life isn’t devoid of meaning.’

THIS IS NOT A NEWS SITE!

I loathe the fact that I’ve even got to disclaim this, but my site is nothing more than a collection of my admittedly poorly thought out opinions. Outside of googling a statistic or two, I have put ZERO research into every piece. Honestly, most of this is stupid shit that popped into my mind when I was standing in line somewhere. If you read my site and then immediately change your mind about certain subjects without doing any self research because you’re under the misguided notion that my brilliance is the result of numerous studies, facts, figures, and scientific experiments, then it literally amazes me that Darwin hasn’t claimed you yet. Fucking bonehead.

When I write, I make room for the possibility that I may be wrong. I’m not afraid to be wrong. You should not be afraid to prove me wrong.

Either that or you can just take my site for what it is: a brief diversion from the endless repetition that is your life.

That’s all it was ever meant to be.

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