Brother: Wow, this looks like a ‘no fun’ room. What are you doing?
V: Reading. The people on the Internet are crucifying me.
Brother: Why now?
Brother: So, in other words, you were lying.
V: Ha. Ha. Ha.
Brother: Seriously, who was it?
V: A guy named John B—-.
Brother: Ohhhhhh, I remember that guy! I remember one time you and I were at the park and he came up to you, snapped his fingers in your face, and said, “You missed out on a good thing, baby.”
V: Oh my God. I totally forgot about that!
Brother: I’ll never forget it. I mean, I was only like 10 years old at the time, but I remember it because it was the lamest thing I had ever heard a guy say. So I made a little mental note. ‘Note to self: If a girl doesn’t like you, don’t ever snap your fingers in her face and tell her she missed out on a good thing, baby. Telling a girl to eat thumb dust is not cool.’
So anyway, I guess you guys all want to know what happened to John, right? Did he ever end up a rich, successful uber geek? Is he knee deep in pussy right now? Did I end up an old, embittered, lonely hag?
I hate to break it to you, kids, but the real world is not that fair. Justice like that is usually reserved for movies and after school specials.
About four months after all this went down, John found himself standing outside of school waiting by the parked school buses for his ride. A girl leaned out of one of the bus windows and spit on John. It was at this point that John. Just. Snapped.
He leapt up, grabbed the edge of her window, pulled himself up, and wiggled himself halfway into the bus. (I told you this fucker was skinny) Then, he punched that girl right in the fucking face.
Unfortunately for John, the girl he punched was only 13 years old and, even worse, she had spit on him accidentally. Her crucial mistake was spitting without looking and she was mid apology when John suddenly jumped up and bloodied her nose. John ended up getting expelled for that little stunt and was forced to attend the vocational school one city over with all the retards, fuck ups, and juvie kids.
So how did I find this out?
Well of course I apologized to him, you fucking idiots!
But here’s the thing: I didn’t think my apology was relevant to the story and I still don’t. For one thing, the apology took place a full four months after the incident occurred. For another, sometimes apologies don’t mean jack. It wasn’t difficult or courageous of me to tell John I was sorry. I don’t deserve any hero worship because I could admit that I was wrong. If you think for one second that my awkward ‘Dude, I’m really sorry’ erased the four weeks of taunting and torture, then I guess I failed to communicate to you exactly how shitty the situation really was. There are some things in life that you just can’t make amends for. This was one of them.
Anyway, after the incident in the park, I ended up going to the pizza place where John worked part time. I caught him on his lunch break and we sat down in the dining room and had a little chat. I said what I had to say and John very graciously forgave me. His exact words were:
“It’s OK. Actually, I’m in the middle of some drama right now that makes what happened between you and I look pretty mild.”
I leaned back in the booth and said, “What do you mean?”
John recounted the story about how he had fallen in love with his co-worker, Kara. Like me, Kara had responded with nasty, cruel taunting. Unlike me, Kara had waited until she had cleaned out John’s savings account before doing so. The situation was escalating to the point where John was on the verge of losing his job, which he needed, and even though he begged her, Kara just wouldn’t lay off of him.
“I think I can make her stop,” I told him.
“How?” he asked.
“Is she here now?”
“Yeah. In the back.”
“Go get her. Tell her a customer wants to speak to her.”
When Kara came out of the back room, I tearfully called her a bitch. I told her that I was in love with John and how could she treat him that way? I told her that I would die to be with a man like John and that she would rot in hell forever for taking him from me.
I should have gotten an award for that performance.
Hey men! Here’s another truth about women: They thrive on competition. Oftentimes, they won’t want jack shit to do with you…..until another girl wants you. Then, they’re either immediately intrigued or confused into silence. With Kara, it was the latter, and she was properly humbled.
I started visiting John at the pizza place a couple of days a week during his lunch break. Kara would watch us curiously from a distance, but she quit picking on John. As for John and I, we ended up pretty good friends again.
Some fun facts:
*One of my friends who participated in the public emasculation of John ended up dating him the very next year. They were together for about four months before she decided that he was way too clingy and dumped his ass. But, she was nice about it.
*The girl I made my little social blunder in front of in this article is actually John’s little sister. After this, I’m hoping to write a story about John’s parents and maybe even one about his cousin Leroy. Call me!
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